Melting ice

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Agonisingly, the buzzer next to the door snagged me away from the dreamless dark. I put on some pants, as fast as my nauseous state allowed me to, and answered: “Yes?” A woman’s voice replied: “It’s me.” I couldn’t make out who its owner was but i still buzzed her in.

As i opened the door and looked down the stairs, i realized it was T. “Oh, it’s you.”, i intoned. She didn’t reply. Reaching my door, she looked at me with a bright smile and said: “Good morning.” “Hey. What…?” Before i could finish my question, her eyes turned vile in a split second. The palm of her hand hitting me square across the face. Without any words, she passed by me and entered uninvited. “I guess this is another way of waking up.”, i monologued, trying to reattach my imaginary loose jaw. “Close the door!”, she uttered. “Is this the part where you kill me?”, i asked with a smile. “Oh, you wish! Don’t even try to escape the responsibility of killing her!”, she angrily replied. “Killed? Me? Who?” “June! You turned her into a recluse, a girl atop an ivory tower which nobody can reach. How am i suppose to come back from that?” “Ah, THAT! I need a cigarette.” I began to walk towards the living room. “You smoke?”, she asked surprised. “She’s not dead! Just a little… impaired.”, i continued, as i looked over my shoulder at her. “And yes, i do. Weird that you didn’t notice until now.” She closed her eyes and quickly shook her head: “Stop trying to change the subject. I have no idea how to turn this around. How can you act so casually about it?” Returning with a lit cigarette: “Firstly, you started it. Secondly, you are June and i believe in your creative mind to come up with a spectacular solution. And thirdly, why are you so worked up about it? Just go with the flow.”, i replied. She pondered for a few seconds, after which she said: “Get dressed. We need to go somewhere.” “In that cold?”, i pointed towards the kitchen window. “No way. The only place i’m going is back to bed.”, i said as i took one last deep puff from my cigarette before putting it out. “Fine! Then i’ll join you.” I wanted to begin walking, but my brain seemed to almost instantly shut down my motor functions. “You what?” She opened the door to the bathroom, looking around. “If you don’t want to come with me, then i might as well stay here with you. I’m starting to feel kind of tired.”, she replied bluntly. “Ok. Stop! I’ll get dressed. Don’t move a muscle.”, grabbing her by the shoulders in a desperate attempt to protect my privacy. “Christ on a ladder!”, i continued, as i made my way to the bedroom. “You know, it’s not nice to swear.”, she shouted to me in a childish voice. Popping my head out the bedroom door: “Shhh! Stop yelling before i’ll get into trouble with my neighbors. What time is it anyway?” “Around 4 AM.”, she shouted again after looking at her phone. “Now you’re doing it on purpose.”, i said after walking back to her wearing only my jeans. “Sir, are you trying to seduce me?”, she asked, looking up at me with puppy eyes. “If women were that easily seduceable, we’d have a population of fifty billion by now.”, i replied. “Would that be a good or bad thing?”, her voice came from right next to the bedroom door. “The more people there are, the less value they have. We like to think of ourselves as being unique, but in my opinion, that’s just boisterous propaganda for the ego created by the media to sell more inanimate products to the living products of society. In this material reality we created, emotions are nothing more than just another tool used in making profits.” I came out of the bedroom, put on my shoes, grabbed my coat and we exited. She didn’t say a word. Most likely she was lost in thought, so i continued as we walked down the stairs: “As sad as it is, living beings need to consume to keep on living, be it food, air, information or emotions.” “Emotions?”, she interrupted me. “Yes. Have you ever been in love?”, i asked. “Uhm, yes, i have.”, she replied blushingly while looking away. “At the beginning, i’m sure, everything seemed sparkling, where even the negative events somehow fueled you to pursue that which you desired most, but what happened after you attained, or let’s say, consumed it?” She looked around as if trying to find the answer. “I felt peaceful.” “And after that?” “I wanted more of it.” I smiled: “Exactly, so you kept on consuming and consuming until?” She looked down at the ground before us. “Until i felt distant and uninterested in that same person.” I grabbed her hand. “Hold on for a second.” As she stopped walking, i let go of her hand, wrapping my arms around her. “It’s ok. It’s normal for us to want something that will last until the day we die, to enjoy, cherish and love. That’s the whole point why humans have created the idea of God. Permanence.” She slowly pushed me away, looking at me: “Are you a religious man?” I smiled: “I’m Mr. Godless, remember?” She smiled back. We continued our walk. “It’s easier to sustain in our mind for a lifetime the idea of eternal and limitless perfection, than something equal or lower as the imperfect beings we see ourselves to be. Some of us place other people on high but brittle pedestals, only to gossip and critique them as soon as their footing begins to crumble, leading to a sense of union among the followers.” She grabbed my arm. “Yes but, aside from these general notions, what do you believe in?” I looked at her more closely. She was shivering. “I need to get you in a cab.”, i replied. She turned her head towards me with eyes wide open and as soon as our eye met, her expression turned into a frown. “Ok but you’re avoiding my question.”, she said after which she punched my arm playfully. “I’m not, swear to God.” We both chuckled. “Stop swearing!”, she demanded, as another one of her girly punches landed on my arm. “Well, i believe in myself. I believe in the foundation of my moral code and values, which was strung together in my formative years. Sure, as i advanced in life, some threads started to fall apart through the influence of society, but the core elements will only vanish together with my last breath. And then there’s also love and writing. It took me a very long time to realize that i can’t have one without the other. Singularly, when i try to hold them in the palm of my hand, they just turn to dust, but together… i feel something special deep within me, a joyous calling that gives me the sense like i could make them both flourish to immeasurable heights. And even if i have given up on them countless times in the past, they somehow always come back to me at the right time, when my world is on the brink of succumbing to despair.”