Oath in the shadows

[On]

I woke up in the middle of the night. He was still sleeping. I carefully removed myself from between his arms and went to the bathroom. Coming back, i realized that i couldn’t make any loud noises or turn on any light sources in the living room, which was pretty annoying. So i figured, i might as well take a walk around the block to put into perspective all that happened in the last twenty-four hours.

-I’ve put on some breezy pants and a t-shirt and out the door i went.- I wonder how he would react if he wakes up and i’m not there. Nah, he’ll be fine. Unless he wants a repeat of that ball-busting speech i gave him. -I chuckled at the thought. As i was walking down the road, a serious issue popped into my head: trust.- Love is all fine and good, but does it have any value at all if he can’t learn to trust me? But then again, only he knows what kind of twisted and malevolent girlfriends he had in the past. Judging by his reactions, he’s definitely hurt. There’s a hole there where his heart used to be and he doesn’t even see it. Typical airhead. Although, he does feel and see when someone else is hurting, so maybe he’s not that typical. I know it’s not my job and i can’t help him heal as much as i would want to, but maybe i can at least nudge him in the right direction.

But now that i’ve left him alone, it’s not really a positive. We’ve only known each other for about two weeks. -I stopped.- Should i turn back? -I shook my head rapidly- Someone told me once that trust, no matter how far apart, will make you feel close to the person you want to love, even if you don’t know them yet, even if they have departed from this world. Somehow… they will return to you, in one shape or another. Keeping your heart open, stretched out to the farthest corners of space and time, may guide them back to your warm welcoming embrace. At least that was the theory of it.

As i returned on the direct road to the apartment building i was living in, i saw him sitting at the edge of the sidewalk, smoking. Approaching hearing distance i said: “You look so miserable, like waiting for a car to hit you or something.” As soon as he heard my voice, he jumped up. “Uhm, no, it’s not like that. I was just thinking.”, he replied. His eyes were smiling. “And the wood boards on the bench in front of the entrance weren’t pleasing enough for your buttocks, Sir Easy-to-read?”, i asked sarcastically. “Uhm…”, he uttered, trying to find his words. “Yes, please. Think about a good lie.”, i butted in. “I needed fresher air. The one around the bench had the stench of sex.”, he said smirking. “If the sex we had were that intoxicating and had such a wide range, my neighbors would’ve probably called an ambulance by now, you beautifully weird goofball.” We both laughed.

“Did you worry much?”, i asked lovingly. “A bit.”, he replied. “Worry too much and you’ll end up in a grave sooner than i can punch my entrance ticket in the insane asylum.”, i joked. But apparently he didn’t see it like that. His eyes pierced me with seriousness: “Don’t say that!” “I say that because i…”. The words “love you” could only be heard in my mind. “Because i care.”, i mumbled. “No, i meant the “insane asylum” part.”, he rectified. “Listen, regarding that proposal…” Interrupting me he said: “I thought you decided to quit writing.” I sighed. “For now, yes. BUT later, when we’ll be old and gray and we’ll hate each others guts with a passion, i’ll begin writing again. It will be my way of saying farewell to you.” He intoned: “By going mad…” “Yes! Do you have a problem with that?”, i asked menacingly. He thought about it for a few seconds. “I don’t know. I can’t say how bad things will become in the future.”, he replied, looking down at the pavement.

“Look. Have you ever been to the zoo?”, i asked. “Yes, of course.” “If you ever watched the animals there closely for long enough, you would have observed how they are agonizingly dying with each passing year, no matter how well they are treated. Captivity kills. Imagine being in the same environment and doing the same things over and over your whole life. The lack of struggle kills. It’s the same with humans. We were never meant to marry for an entire lifetime or “until death do us part”. We are more animal than we like to admit and this is starting to show through the immense number of divorces in recent years. People are beginning to wake up. Sure, on the other hand we might end up in a worldwide anarchy but hey, at least we are moving forward, by listening to our subconscious nature. In fact, partially we have to thank the big guys upstairs for the oppressive lifestyles, or in other words, struggle, they created by constantly chasing after money. You know, in an ideal world children would be raised and loved by adults regardless if they are blood related or of the same race, or not. It’s our ego’s insecurity that makes us want to own something that is only ours and the current world is full of it. What i’m saying is that i don’t want to die in the captivity of fear but neither do i want to forfeit the chance to love you. So i want to do both. Love you and also be free to write, even if it will happen later in my life. I asked you out of courtesy, but regardless of your answer, i have to do it this way. Of course, you are free to leave whenever, if the burden becomes too heavy. I would never blame you.” I took a seat next to him on the edge of the sidewalk, wrapping my arms around my knees, looking into the distance of the concrete. “Wait, did you just say you love me?”, he asked. I turned my head towards him, eyes wide open. “Out of the entire explanation i just gave you, that’s what stuck with you?, i furiously asked, ruffling his hair with both hands. His reply left me stunned: “Isn’t that what matters most?”